EXPLAINING
SELF-HARM
I've decided
to start with self-harm because not only is it the most well-known now addiction
out there, it is also the most stereotyped. Tell me; how is it possible that
the most notorious of today’s addictions is also the most misunderstood?
I'll tell you
why. It's because the people who aren’t cutting are the ones making the
assumptions about those who do. They think they know why they do it. Of course,
the people surrounding a cutter; family, friends, and professionals, come up
with their own theories and that's where all the misinformation comes from.
But what if I
told you that victims do it for various reasons, reasons as varied as they are?
Pay attention now, you parents going nuts because your kid is cutting, you
therapists who think you know what’s going on, you friends who are sick with
worry that your best bud’s cutting is a gateway to suicide, because I'm about
to go over the main reasons why anyone would willingly hurt themselves.
Keep in mind, any
one reason or combination will not define a single self-harmer because we’re
all so different.
The most stereotypical belief as to
why someone might self-harm is that they are Seeking Attention.
Yes, if people
are hurting themselves, something is wrong. Think about it this way; if they
really felt loved and cared for, would they resort to cutting in the first
place? It doesn't matter if that person has tons of friends and lives a
glamorous life. They may still be feeling lonely and sad. Through cutting they
can express their pain in a visible way so that others might see the scars and reach
out to help them.
Attention
seekers aren't looking for pity as much as they just want someone to care. While
it may seem like they are social butterflies, how do you know that those acquaintances
buzzing around them like honeybees are people who really care about them? Many so-called
friends will use others to just climb up the popularity ladder.
If you think
attention seeking is a disgusting practice, then how much more disgusting is
the fact that these victims are feeling so left out that they crave being
noticed in the first place. Where are the people who genuinely care about
others? They seem to be in pitifully short supply in the world.
The fact that
there are people cutting for attention is proof of that, and they do need help,
because there is definitely something dangerously wrong.
The next reason someone would harm
themselves is that they need to Feel
Something.
Cutting can
take the emotional pain away. You see, when you harm yourself, especially if
you cut or otherwise make a wound on your body, you release endorphins—powerful
natural narcotics. When stimulating the brain, the rush can replace depression
with at least a temporary euphoria, though clearly not true, lasting happiness.
Some self-harmers
are so numb that they need this rush to feel SOMETHING just so they can keep
going. They grow addicted to this tactic and need to do it over and over and
over again to avoid sinking into the abyss of emotional emptiness.
This need
factored into my self-harm profile and explains why it took such a long time
for me to quit cutting. Once you give it up, you start drifting back into the dark
sinkhole of deep depression—that terrible place where you just can’t feel
anything.
And what makes
it worse, once you've successfully cut yourself enough times, your brain will
see cutting as the solution to your depression. So, even when you quit cutting,
the urge will always be with you as long as you still get depressed and feel
empty.
Cutting is a
powerful ADDICTION involving potent brain narcotics which explains why it is so
VERY difficult to stop.
Another related reason for cutting can
be because a victim Feels Too Much.
For those who
struggle with Anxiety Disorder, the
person feels so much emotion, so much dread and nervousness that they
desperately need something to calm down. They are unable to turn off the disruptive
agitation in their brain when reacting to something stressful or worrisome.
They might resort to cutting in order to release those endorphins again, which
in turn will calm them down and sedate the effect of the stressors.
Yet another cause of self-harm is that
cutting serves as a form of Masochistic
Punishment.
Now, can you guess
what the main reason was for my cutting? So often I thought I’d failed or did
something horribly wrong, or found myself groveling in self-loathing and therefore
felt horrible about myself. I would cut as a way to punish myself for the
wrongdoing.
I welcomed the
pain as a form of just retribution. I wanted and sometimes still do want to
hurt myself when I’ve slipped into a I-hate-myself funk. Hate is a powerful
emotion and it can make you do awful things that don't even make sense. It’s so
hard to stop cutting because hatred is an emotion that can flare up like a
Fourth of July fireworks finale, taking over your mind and making you act
without thinking.
Another reason for cutting is because
the person is Suicidal.
Keep in mind
that these people may feel so terrible that they think they want to die, yet
there’s a part of them that’s unsure, so they don’t go through with it. Another
motivation, they don't want to inflict such awful, irreversible pain on their
families. They harm themselves instead, to feel alive enough to avoid suicide
and keep going. From what I know, most self-harmers actually aren't suicidal,
but there will always be that one person who is. So, if you know a cutter,
suicide need not be your worst fear.
The next reason for self-harm is to
take Control of Your Own Pain.
By cutting you
are in charge of when and where you feel pain. Whereas you can’t control your
emotional pain, you are able to control your physical pain. Some self-harmers
will cut whenever they feel emotional distress—the pain triggering that calming
endorphin release and in short order everything is once again, at least
temporarily, right in their world.
Next, cutting can be triggered during Psychotic Breaks, a reason not often
thought of.
Now, before
you get offended by the term, it simply means that the person begins cutting
when they are literally not in their RIGHT MIND enough to choose to do anything
else. I’ll admit that self-harmers (and I’m one) have something a bit off in
the first place, but I mean...these people really are not psychologically
stable.
They don't
even realize what they’re doing, and likely won’t remember how they came to
harm themselves when they come out of it and see the blood and scars. It’s not
that it's difficult for them to stop, it's that they absolutely cannot stop. So
yeah...I have to tip my hat to them because I'd probably end up in the loony
bin if I had just suddenly harmed myself and snapped back to reality without a
clue as to what I just did or why.
The final reason is that some people
feel the need to cut in order to achieve a type of Social Status.
They want
desperately to fit in or attain a
certain kind of cool and actually
find the scars fashionable and for that reason they want their friends to find
out what they’re doing. NEWS FLASH, cutting is not the best way to bury the
dial on the I’m Rad meter.
What you’ve
actually accomplished instead is to damage your body and more importantly, your
body image. Remember, the scars are permanent, like tattoos. Are you harming
yourself just because some of your friends are doing it? Cutting is just too
dangerous to engage in as a passing fad.
Trust me when
I say you WILL REGRET what you’re doing years from now when you look down and
see the scars, especially if you began cutting just to score social status
points.
I'm sorry if it
hurts to hear this, but it's the cold, hard truth. I'm sick of people cutting
just because they think it's cool, when there are those of us out there actually
struggling with self-harm as a terrible addiction.
So, armed with
the main reasons why people harm themselves, there is still NO EXCUSE for
cutting. If someone is caught in the addictive vice of cutting, they should
seek help immediately. Because, and again I need you to trust me, the more you
let it go, the worse it gets. It’s like a cavity, it just hurts a little at
first, but you let it go, the decay gets worse, and the next thing you know
you’re enduring one hell of an ache with an abscessed tooth. If you go to the
dentist now, it will be too late to save the tooth. So please, get help for
your cutting as soon as you possibly can.
I’m speaking now to the family members
and friends who want to help someone who Self-Harms.
The first
thing you should do is get them professional help. You’re dealing with a person
in the grip of a powerful addiction and therapists are trained to handle such
cases. One major fact to get past is that you will never be able to understand the
urge to cut if you haven’t experienced it.
You can study
all about the illness, you can genuinely care about the person and want to
help, but you’ll never know just how powerful the urge is—that pull of
addiction you can’t say no to. I’ve never met a civilian yet who gets why we CAN’T JUST STOP.
They’ve never
felt the impulse to take a blade and put it to their skin, or to pull your own
hair out, or to punch yourself, or to bang your head against something, or to
break your own arm. They can never understand what drives us because they could
never imagine that there’s a potent reward at the end of the self-harm tunnel
of self-inflicted pain.
And that's
okay. That's a really good thing. You SHOULDN'T know what it's like to feel
that urge—nobody should. Though you’ll never understand, look at it as a
positive. You need to know this because often people who don't self-harm feel
offended when victims claim nobody understands them. They respond with,
"What's to understand?" and get all hostile. So, don't get mad, just
come to terms with it, and support the person who self-harms the best way you
can.
I’m going to
explain how to do just that, support them, and to begin here is what NOT to say
to someone you find out is harming themselves.
When victims
hear their friends or loved ones say certain things, it causes them to push
away and makes them feel alienated. After that, they will not trust you enough
to go to you when they need help and it might actually make them cut even more.
Most important
of all, Don’t Judge or Accuse.
Cutting isn't
something that you can blame on anything or anyone. It's something victims engage
in as a last resort when they’re suffering from extreme emotional distress. So,
don’t cast blame on others, and don’t blame yourself. You may be one of a
variety of reasons, but it’s not just you. It will never be your fault if
someone you love is harming themselves. Assuming the blame will never solve
anything.
Now, here are
some things you NEVER say to a self-harmer because not only won’t it help, it
will push them away. I will prove my point by replying to these statements as
if someone said them to me and I'm pretty sure most self-harmers would react
similarly.
"Cutting
is stupid and you're stupid for doing it."
“Well,
that's your opinion, now isn’t it. Thanks for your input though, not that it
changes anything, or helps in any way.”
"You
just want attention!"
“Yeah, and that's TOTALLY why I hide it! If you
seriously have nothing more to say to me, then what's the point of coming you?
I might as well not tell you anything then if that's all you're going to give
me.” *walks away*
"Emo!"
“Wow...I'm just gonna go now...”
*leaves without a second glance*
"This
is really bad and you need to stop right now!"
“Yeah...isn't
that obvious? But how do I stop? Wouldn’t that be the better question to ask me?”
"How
could you be so selfish as to hurt yourself! How could you do this to
me?!"
“What are
you saying? I'm not doing this to YOU. This has nothing to do with you. I
didn't mean to hurt you and I don't know why you waste your time lecturing me
for something that I'm doing to myself, not anybody else.”
"If
you don't stop, I'm going to send you to a psych ward!"
“Okay...I
promise I'll stop.”
*proceeds to secretly hide their
cutting for fear of being locked away like some loon.*
"Show
me your scars, NOW!"
“Why do
you need to see my scars?! You don't need to see them and I don't want to show
you. Please don't make me show you! EEP!”
*freaks out*
"If
you keep cutting, then I'm going to hurt myself too!"
“Why? I
never would want you to do that! I don't want to be the reason for you hurting
yourself! I don't want you go through the same struggle as I do! Please don't! Cutting
yourself isn't going to take away my pain. It would only make me more guilty
and eventually make me want to do it more.”
"You're
crazy! I'm going to tell everyone you're a crazy bitch if you don't stop!"
“You
might as well tell the whole world then. By the way, I hate your guts and you
can go fuck off.”
So
yeah...don't say any of that!
Also, if you
know someone’s cutting, NEVER tell anyone who is not an adult what they’re
doing. Cutting is confidential and a matter of personal privacy. You can and
should, however, inform their parents and or other professionals who might be
able to help. Nobody else should know except for the people the self-harmer
told themselves.
If you’ve told
on a cutter just to get back at them, let me just say that you are a despicable
human being who has no idea the damage that kind of disclosure can do. I can
only hope that one day karma will bite you in the ass and one of your deep,
dark secrets will be exposed for the world to see. After you’ve suffered the
same pain, humiliation, and ridicule, perhaps THEN you’ll understand how
horrible what you did was.
I know how bad
this can be because someone I met online did this to her friend who suffered
from a cutting addiction. I found her to be the most spiteful and petty person
I’d even encountered. I can only imagine what the friend went through once her
secret was out.
I’ve managed
to keep my self-harm a secret, but for other reasons I’ve been teased, laughed
at, and ignored. It always hurts. How much worse if I’d been outed for
cutting—it’s nothing to laugh at and it’s not right.
Shredding
someone’s life for your selfish desires or revenge is completely unacceptable,
no matter who they are or what they may have done to you.
If what I’ve
said hurts or makes you angry, I don’t care—I stand by it.
Instead of
hurting them, here’s what you should do.
Once they’ve
agreed to get professional help, sit down and talk. Be caring, withhold any
judgment, and try to understand what they’re going through by LISTENING to
every word. Now, this is the kind of karma you want—some day when you’re in a
jam, they’ll do the same for you.
The most
important benefit of this first simple step is that it will improve your
relationship. Growing closer might possibly be the key factor leading to their
being able to control their cutting or other acts of self-harm. At this
critical stage you need to offer this person unconditional love.
That’s not to
say that you have to give them permission to continue cutting. No, you can let
them know you WANT them to stop, but don’t go insisting they HAVE to stop.
Believe me, they want to stop as much as you want them to, but if they’re
pressured at the wrong time, in the wrong way, they’ll feel threatened,
distance themselves, and you’ll lose that all-important communications link.
While they’re
deep in a cutting addiction, they can’t imagine not having it to rely on to
manage their emotional pain. Instead of demanding they stop, encourage them in
a positive way. Let them know much it hurts you to know they’re harming
themselves. Suggest alternatives engaging enough to challenge the urge to cut
such as athletic exercise, hobbies, or artistic activities like writing or
painting.
Keep in mind
that while you can help them get to a place where they want to stop, only they
can decide to stop. You can't save them, nor can anyone else. If you try to
force the issue, you’ll push them away.
Only kindness,
kinship, and the caring comfort of a relationship based on unconditional love
will give them the willpower to stop.
Getting
involved to this extent is going to be too much for some of you. If you can’t
face the victim in the right way, get them professional help and leave it at
that. You shouldn’t participate in their recovery unless you want to. But that
means you can’t criticize or judge either.
Bottom line;
if you regularly hurt yourself, PLEASE get help and at least try to stop.
If you know
someone who practices self-harm, get them help and support them to the best of
your ability.
Self-destructive
behaviors, like cutting, will continue until we all start caring more.
LET’S START
NOW!!!
Chapter 2 Outline
· SELF-HARM MISINFORMATION
Who Makes the Assumptions
Everyone But the Afflicted
· REASONS FOR SELF-HARM
Seeking Attention
Need to Feel Something
Feeling Too Much
Masochistic Punishment
To Avoid Suicide
To Control their Pain
During a Psychotic Break
To Gain Social Status
· HOW TO HELP
Engage a Professional
Understand they Just Can’t
Stop
Don’t Judge or Accuse
· WHAT NEVER TO SAY
Cutting is Stupid
You Just Want Attention
You Need to Stop Right Now
How Can you Be So Selfish
How Can you Do This to Me
Stop, or you’re Going to a
Psych Ward
Show Me Your Scars
Keep it up and I’ll Hurt
Myself Too
You’re Crazy
· WHO SHOULD KNOW
Cutting is Confidential
Parents & Professionals
Should Know
Never Out Someone on Social
Media
· REACHING OUT
Talk, Listen, and Share Without Judging
Let them Know it Hurts You
Too
You Can’t Save Them—Only They
Can
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