Are You a Masochist?

Not sure . . . ?

To those who think I must have had a messed up life, I'm sorry to disappoint, but this is not some sappy book about my sucky life story. My life was and is actually pretty good. I can't really complain about much of anything. I just turned eighteen and I'm going to college with hopes of becoming a sonographer. In addition to that, I want to publish a fantasy book which has always been a lifelong dream. I do not, however, expect to have a career in writing.

There's just one thing that's off about me, and you wouldn't know it if you saw me.

I am a masochist. (Okay, so not such a big reveal, considering that's part of the title of this book.)  

In case you didn't know, a masochist is someone who wishes to inflict physical pain or humiliation upon themselves. Normally though, I do not like humiliation since I have zero self esteem and I am a shy introvert, but I do love pain.

Yeah, I love self-inflicted pain. And yes, I'm a self-loathing cynical bitch. That's not something that's easy to say, and I sure as hell ain't proud of it, but it is what it is. In this book all will be revealed, since I want you guys to open up as well by commenting on my blog. So, if you don't think you’ll like hearing the rants of a self-loathing cynical bitch, then I suggest you stop reading. 

But yeah, masochistic thoughts and tendencies are considered abnormal by the rest of society, so it's definitely not something that you want to be caught up in. I sure as hell don't want to be like this, but I can't change what I am. Perhaps I could try. Some professionals think it’s possible, yet I wouldn’t have a clue where to begin. I am here, however, to help you. We can’t change who we are, but together we can change our behavior.

At this point are you wondering if you're a masochist? Well...have you experienced what I have? Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself, and badly? Do you hate yourself with persistent regularity? Have you ever wanted to slice yourself up with a knife? Have you ever imagined yourself bashing your head into a brick wall? Have you ever wanted to just run into the road and get hit by a car? Have you repeatedly had dreams where you were kidnapped or otherwise killed by a malicious mugger, murderer, or rapist?

Now, I'm no trained expert, but if you have experienced more than one of these, I'm strongly suggesting you get evaluated by a professional. Of course, it's your decision and only if you’re ready.

If you haven't experienced anything like I mentioned, and are thinking I must be some kind of psycho, good for you. It means that you are normal by society standards and can go on with your perfect life without worrying that you're suddenly gonna jump into traffic while caught in the grip of a masochistic seizure. (It's a joke...laugh!)

Anyway, due to my masochistic nature, I have gotten myself into some pretty nasty stuff. I still struggle with depression, and self harm...although these days I don't react by cutting nearly as much as I used to. The driver behind cutting, self hate, is a constant unwanted companion in limo of my agitated mind.

As for suicide...well I guess I consider myself semi-suicidal. I've imagined myself doing it, and have certainly wondered if I would be better off dead, but I never actually came up with a plan, nor I have I attempted it. Despite that, I do know quite a lot about it, so I can help you understand the suicide impulse.

I have dabbled in eating disorders, but I wouldn't say I have one. I have what I’d call anorexic tendencies since I've never managed to fully starve myself. Instead, I limit my food intake and over-exercise at times—from a week to a month, but never longer. And I’ve lost an unhealthy amount of weight...which I gained back as soon as I came to my senses. I have attempted to purge...but I apparently suck at it so I never actually got it to work. (Which is a good thing…so if you suck at making yourself throw up too, don't be discouraged...it just means that it's one less way to harm yourself...trust me.)

I am an avid Maladaptive Daydreamer, so I understand that not-very-well-known disorder perfectly.

I don't do drugs or smoke. Then again, my mom would kill me if I did...and I wouldn’t even know how to get my hands on the illegal pills and such anyway. My mother, however, smokes so I do know how horrible a smoking addiction can be. My mom has been smoking since she was a teenager and she still can't quit!

I haven't personally dealt with bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, or schizophrenia, but I have researched these topics so I have a basic working knowledge of each. In health class we learned all about alcoholism, so I know quite a bit about that subject as well. As for anxiety disorder...I wouldn't say I have it, but I’ve experienced something similar to it.

Too often, before I’d go up for a class presentation, or the night before the first day of school, I’d feel extremely nervous and panicked and actually become short of breath. In fact, I remember once in seventh grade I was hyperventilating during a presentation! My teacher kept asking me if I was okay. Thinking back on it, it was too funny.

As for the night before the first day of school, I would be unable to sleep and I would feel terribly anxious...so much so that I resorted to cutting just so I could calm down and fall asleep. So I can imagine what it is like for someone with a clinical anxiety disorder...it's probably something like my experiences times ten.

I know someone with anger management problems, so I understand that type of mental disorder as well. I'm pretty sure someone I know has that, since he can't go a day without throwing a tantrum, and he's 15...but keep in mind he just can't help it. I can't know for sure if he has a clinical condition, though, because he was sent to be evaluated by a psychologist, but all he would do is sit there, refusing to speak to the therapist.

As any other mental illnesses or addictions I haven't mentioned that concern you, please feel free to mention them in my blog comment section. I’ll look into them and provide you with some feedback.

I mentioned all these conditions because if you struggle with one of them, I want you to know that I understand enough to know some of what you’re going through. Whether I've actually experienced it myself or done the research...I get it. So don't be afraid of being judged or criticized, because I'm not going to go there.

In fact, the whole point of my part of this book is to raise awareness and let those so afflicted know that they aren't alone. I’m here to provide support for those who are struggling and working toward recovery. Keep in mind, I said RECOVERY.

I do not condone as productive or healthy the ongoing practice of any addiction or self-harm behavior. At the same time, I won't say you must get help, because only you can do that. But I'm not going to sugarcoat my assessment either. I'm not the type to say it's okay when it's not. Either way, you can be sure I won't condemn you for how you are and what you’re dealing with.

Another reason I wrote this book is to erase the stigma. Let me tell you, all those stereotypes out there are lies. They are discriminatory slurs used by haters to guilt people into not cutting. They can work the other way, too, and provoke someone into cutting. Either way, the stereotypes amount to misinformation.


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If you are reading this with an open-mind and wondering what goes on in the thoughts of those who self harm, then welcome to this forum! I hope to enlighten you on why we do what we do. If you don’t practice self harm, then it’s important that you know how to help someone who is. In order to do that effectively, you need to know the true nature of the affliction. That’s what Mind of a Masochist is all about.